I don't think I have posted this before, but I know several here have daughters. I have found this to be a great deal of help while raising mine (who are very old now) but could be of help to those of you going through the agony of teenage years or approaching that dreaded era......#10 can be modified to fit your particular situation:
ps: Perhaps it will liven up this dead place.......
Subject: Rules for Dating My Daughter
Please adhere to the following rules if you want to date my daughter:
#1: If you pull into my driveway and honk, you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.
#2: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, as long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off my daughter’s body, I will remove them.
#3: I am aware that is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open-minded about this issue, so I propose the following compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too large, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
#4: I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing the “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: When it comes to sex, I am the barrier...and I will kill you.
#5: In order for us to get to know each other, you may feel we should talk about sports, politics and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back in my house...and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early”.
#6: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is OK with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
#7: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than one hour goes by, do not sigh or fidget. If you want to be on time for a movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
#8: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is ambient temperature warm enough to induce may daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her neck. Places where there is dancing, hand holding, or happiness. Movies with strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided. Movies which feature chainsaws are OK. Hockey games are OK. Old folks homes are better.
#9: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding middle-aged, dim-witted has been. But on issues relating to my little girl, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
#10: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of you car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway, you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to you car. There is no need to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
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