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A few things you need to know about me:
I has been known to cure narcolepsy, just by walking into the room. My organ donation card, also lists my beard. I'm a lover, not a fighter, but I'm also a fighter, so don’t get any ideas. When it is raining, it is because I'm sad. Even my parents’ advice is insightful. If there were an interesting gland, mine would be larger than most men’s entire lower intestines. My shirts never wrinkle. I am left-handed. And right-handed. Even if I forget to put postage on my mail, it gets there. I once knew a call was a wrong number, even though the person on the other end wouldn’t admit it. You can see my charisma from space. The police often question me, just because they find me interesting. I once punched a magician. That’s right. You heard me. When I order a salad, I get the dressing right there on top of the salad, where it belongs…where there is no turning back. If a monument was built in my honor, Mt. Rushmore would close, due to poor attendance. My beard alone has experienced more than a lesser man’s entire body. My blood smells like cologne. On every continent in the world, there is a sandwich named after me. I don't believe in using oven mitts, nor potholders. My cereal never gets soggy. It sits there, staying crispy, just for me. My pillow talk is years ahead of it’s time. Respected archaeologists fight over my discarded apple cores. I have always been known to rock the casba. Birds have never defecated on my car. I never rock climb with ropes, I feel they are for pussies. I once buried a time capsule full of things that haven’t happened yet. I have been pronounced dead 7 times…make that 8. My bear hugs are actually hugs I give to bears. I can’t be bought, but my beard clippings have been know to show up on ebay. I have never lost a sock. If I disagree with you, it is because you are wrong. My reputation expands faster than the universe. I once had an awkward moment, just to see what it felt like. I live vicariously through myself. Happy Hour is the hour after everyone from happy hour has left. I sleep with a night light, not because I'm afraid of the dark but the dark is afraid of me. I hold a doctorate in originality in which I teach at Harvard where no one ever passes. When I go skydiving Peregrine Falcons always trail behind me. The President of a country once took a bullet for me on a failed attempt. When I look in the mirror there's never a reflection because I am only 1 of a kind. I can defeat anyone in a game of chess without making any moves. It is rumored that James Bond movies are my real life biography. I once gave an autograph in sign language. I didn’t just taste fear… I ordered seconds of it. Restaurants offer me my usual table, even if I've never been there. Stray dogs obey my commands. The Spanish Civil War was started by two women fighting over me. Waiters Tip me. After hearing me play guitar, Hendrix decided life was not worth living. In Pamplona, the bulls run with me. I traveled to the edge of the world…and proved the world was flat. I once fought myself…and won. I took the McChicken off the dollar menu. It has been said that I beat 2 pac and biggie in a rap battle…thats why they killed each other. My tan never goes away. I painted my house with my beard. After seeing me dance…Michael Jackson died of cardiac arrest. I blow a .000…after putting down a case. I went skinny dipping…with my clothes on. Hookers ask me how much? I am so elusive, I can escape anything, even black holes. When a camera points at me, it never goes out of focus. I can strangle you with a cordless phone. I went to Mars, and that is why there is no life there. When I do a pushup, I'm not lifting myself up, I'm pushing the Earth down. I don't read books, I stare them down until they give me the information I need. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures I allow to live. It takes me 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes. I am The Most Interesting Man In The World.
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